I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
