My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How external is "for external use only"?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
