i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
