our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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