true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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