Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
