If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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