i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
