i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
