When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
