you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize