I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
