Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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