I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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