What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
