Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
