Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
