3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
