Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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