We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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