Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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