Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
