I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
