Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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