his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found puke in my bra..
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
