i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
