do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
