They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
