Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
