just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize