I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
