I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
