I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize