I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
