There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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