I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
