I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
