i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
