Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Randomize
