8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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