Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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