she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
