I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
