Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
