i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
