In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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