He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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