I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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