I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
