do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize