Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
