Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
