I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
