do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
