how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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