i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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