does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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