Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
