matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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