Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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